That I’ve sat through. Movies I turned off halfway through do not count. This is why that awful second A Nightmare on Elm Street film is not on this. And a lot of schlock horror films won’t be on here either. This list is based on expectation and delivery. Movies that should have been better. Disappointing films. Or maybe just the visceral reaction I got out of it. But I have never walked out of a theater. Largely because if I paid to see a movie, I’m gonna sit through it. And I don’t consider documentaries movies. Or a couple Michael Moore ones would be on this list.
10) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom starts off this list because of that woman. That woman is why so many horrible events happen in this movie. And her horrible screaming and Valley Girl-esque First World Problem-having painfulness. The heart-ripping out scene was amazing. But that doesn’t make up for her. If they made a cut of this movie where her audio was stripped out, this film would be a hundred times better. Short Round, AKA Data from The Goonies, was sure fun though.
9) This one is gonna sting. I just didn’t get what people saw in this film. It’s boring and slow. Very little of substance happens. A movie that is considered so genre defining should have more to show for it. Blade Runner has nothing. I was just watching the clock throughout it. The world this place takes in is only remotely interesting. In fact, I really don’t care. “Chiron Beta Prime,” that lovely song by Jonathan Coulton, had more going on. This film was profoundly disappointing.
8) Because of that horrible third act, X-Men Origins: Wolverine must be on this list. Unfortunately, we may never get Blob in a movie ever again. And that’s sad. And thank God Fox let the right people make a real Deadpool movie and essentially erased this movie from the continuity. The final fight was OK, I guess, but they could have used anybody else for their “Weapon 11” project. Why did they have to use Deadpool? And then sew the Merc with a Mouth’s mouth shut? Idiots…
7) Brüno. Do I really need to explain this one? Exactly.
6) This is a movie that was so bland and uninteresting. Where nothing happens and I can’t for the life of me remember anything except for Bill Hader was sort of funny in it. Adventureland was so much of nothing. The “brilliant” marketing team put every joke in the trailer of what was actually a horribly-made drama that wasn’t really funny. Just depressing.
5) What is perhaps the most painfully indulgent movie of all time in that the director is clearly so far up his own anus that he doesn’t realize how nothing about this movie works in any fashion. Charlie Kaufman’s Synecdoche, New York. There’s no real way to explain this movie. It’s just awful. Of all the movies on this list, it is the one with the least joy in watching. There is just nothing interesting going on at all. Pretentiousness personified. You will fall asleep watching this movie. I know I did. And I didn’t miss a thing. The only reason it isn’t higher on this list is because there was a great episode of Community that made fun of it. And that amazing episode wouldn’t exist without this horrible, horrible movie. And that has to count for something.
4) Napoleon Dynamite is one of my favorite films of all time. In fact, it’s in my top five. Nacho Libre is also very funny, especially after I learned that it was slightly based on a true story. But Gentleman Broncos is none of that. Sam Rockwell is the only good part of this movie. Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords is completely wasted. I almost feel like the scenes with Sam Rockwell were supposed to be the whole movie but the film’s budget was cut. Because the rest of the movie is just boring and takes far too long to get anywhere for a delivery that pays off far later than it should for reasons that are completely out of character for at least one person in the film. Not to mention crazy convenient.
3) There are some movies I buy just because I want to enjoy their terribleness for myself. And then there’s Dance Fu. What is essentially The Last Dragon if it were incredibly stupid; this film manages to somehow make me sick of Kel Mitchell’s schtick. And I liked Good Burger, if only for being a movie clearly made for people my age when it came out. And they throw in the most half-assed Purple Rain joke in the form of a crappy music video pun that looks like it was filmed in a basement with a bed sheet covering the wall. And did you guys really think this direct to DVD movie was getting a sequel? Then why the “bad guy is not really dead” cliché at the end?
2) I make it a general rule to tell everybody I discuss movies in depth with that my favorite film of all time is Dirty Harry. I love every scene of that movie. Genius from start to finish. But some stupid studio exec thought it was a good idea to neuter the best action hero of all time with The Enforcer. Clint Eastwood considers it his least favorite by nature of not including it in his “Clint Eastwood Collection” DVD series even though all four other films in the franchise were included and even City Heat. His obvious disdain for this black sheep is for good reason. The story is all over the place. Tyne Daly is not convincing as a badass lady cop. In fact, she played evil murderer better on that one Columbo television movie than “Dirty Harriet.” The villains are vague and ill-defined. There’s a weird message about a homegrown terrorist cell against a not well-respected by the cops but respected by everyone else semi-cult leader (played by the same guy who was at the business end of that Smith and Wesson .44 Magnum in the famous bank robbery scene from the original.) A well-liked but not really important cop from the first film gets brought back just to get bumped off in a “we’re going for a dramatic death bed moment of profound wisdom” way. The climax of the film has no force behind it. Inspector Callahan kills the main bad guy in a way that should be much cooler than it ends up being. Probably because it was telegraphed so obviously about ten minutes before it happened. It’s just a mess. Praise Jesus the “Go ahead, make my day” scene from the fourth film, Sudden Impact, rescued this franchise.
1) I hated this movie. I was dragged to see this movie. I knew going into it that I would hate this movie. Because the honest reviewers were all saying the same thing. That it was pretty to look at but little else. That it was a retread of about four different better films. That the dialogue was crap. That the acting was pretty terrible. That the ending was so painfully obvious. There’s only one movie I can be talking about: Avatar. The James Cameron one. The best definition for a shiny turd that I can think of. Because if you polish a turd, it’s still a turd. I have never been happier and angrier at the same time to be right about something. And James Cameron was such a good writer at one point. He’s responsible for the reason Rambo is a household name. (He wrote the sequel to First Blood.) But his last amazing film was True Lies and we all know it.